S A I N T B L A I S E

I haven’t written much anything in a while. For some reason my anxiety had found it’s way even to my own presumed safe-haven (writing). However, today I was hit with a refreshing bout of urgency to write, and wrote my fucking ass off. I finally flushed out a song that had been swirling around my head for the last few weeks and it got me thinking about where I stand concerning one of my New Year’s Resolutions: to finish and record an EP. I’ve been writing and playing music for well over 6 years now, and I promised myself this year I would create a cohesive album. It’s nearing halfway through the year but I’m not defeated just yet. 

Speaking of things I haven’t done in a while, tonight I went on a much needed run. It was one of those lungs-on-fire, legs-about-to-give-out, “oh-my-fucking-god-am-I-about-to-die?” runs, and it felt amazing. I forgot how much I LOVE feeling like that. Halfway through my run, I had to remind myself that it was only going to hurt for 15 more minutes, and that I wasn’t going to die, and that my goal is in a realistic reach. I’ve let my body slip over the past year and a half, and though my diet is better than ever, I need to keep my body strong. I’ve ditched any specific weight number goals and instead have opted for 3 physical feats that I intend to reach by the end of summer. I won’t tell all of them, but one is to finally be able to do a pull-up, WITH EASE. 

Anyways, I’m glad to be back. 

This week has been absurdly hectic, however, a lovely new planner makes organizing and managing my time a little more lovely. Tomorrow I go in for a mock interview, and will have a preliminary teaching portfolio done which includes my resume, teaching philosophy, Praxis scores, personal work, student work, and various Unit plans for grades k-12. Getting this portfolio ready was a ton more work than I expected, but its the home stretch and I’m feeling that a special trip to Starbucks might be in order here soon. I spent the majority of my time yesterday developing and flushing out my personal teaching philosophy, and really meditating on what it is I aim to translate in my classroom. Though sometimes (most times) exhausting, I truly appreciate the theory I’ve been exposed to through the Art Education process, and yesterday I felt a sort of culmination of all the content I’ve been absorbing. It’s becoming more exciting to think about having my own class soon, or even better yet, developing my own curriculum and opening my own development center. Of course the latter is a distant dream of mine, but putting my theories to practice will be a testament to that. 

“I am over the passivity of good men. Where the hell are you? You live with us, make love with us, father us, befriend us, brother us, get nurtured and mothered and eternally supported by us, so why aren’t you standing with us? Why aren’t you driven to the point of madness by the rape and humiliation of us?”

This is a great quote by Eve Ensler illustrating the confusing message you may be sending in one’s own passivity. By perhaps your silence at a demeaning joke, or maybe even your laughter at a wrongly overarching assumption or generalization, though maybe said in good fun, these things only reaffirm that rape and sexual violence is a natural part of life and there is nothing we can do about it. 

Meditating more on this, yesterday I was confronted with the reality of not always having the comfortable environment I’m accustomed to when speaking my mind. To elaborate, I have been forewarned time and time again of certain people I’ve yet to meet, who I might one day come in contact with, and who will almost certainly offend me. When it comes to family members of the same kind, there must be a special way of treating these situations. The only thing is—I don’t know how. And now to be more specific, there is a family member of Rob’s who is a huge part of his life, who I most definitely will end up (and truly would like to) meeting, and who will undoubtedly at some point offend me. The fact of this has been joked about but as I dwell more on this I have become scared of the reality of this situation. The dynamics of family are a strange melding of egos, personalities, and obligations. I’ve reenacted countless hypothetical situations in my head, all with different circumstances, and in the resulting conclusions I end up either defeated in my passivity or defeated in well…making a scene. I want neither. But there must, must, be a way to navigate the waters with grace and dignity and all the other fantastic words generally used to describe Natalie Portman (ba-dump-chh, that’s a joke). Anyways, I come back to the age old advice of “choose your battles” but when does compromise triumph comfort? A comfort knowing that you feel safe enough to speak, safe enough to stand up for yourself, safe enough to be happy. I’m sure when if the time comes I will manage fine, and in the meantime be on the lookout for ways to balance such compromise and comfort within my own daily life. 

So, I had decided to delete my old blog and start this new one. I think it was time for me to move myself in a more personal direction. I had contemplated keeping my old blog as a keepsake, a diary of sorts to look back on, but honestly, I’ve said what had to be said and am learning to not hold on to things with such pretense and ill regard. I am interested in writing more emphatically, often, and compassionately, all the while more personally. The few that have known me throughout the years have seen and acknowledge a change in me that I feel warrants a complete self restoration. My blog was the last piece of the puzzle that needed this transformation so badly, and so here it is.

Saint Blaise.